I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem