Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
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Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.