haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
