I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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