sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I need a beard to bite.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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