I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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