When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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