if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
what is it with giant penises always finding me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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