I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
