Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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