We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
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nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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