If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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