Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
