The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
