Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
