she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He shit in the fireplace
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize