I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
