Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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