I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
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Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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