i don't like sucking hair
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
