so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
