Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
