well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
