1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
