my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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