He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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