I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
