i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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