you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
