You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
