i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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