Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
