i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I don't deserve a penis
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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