atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
