I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
