You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
