just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
