Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
