I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
