you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
