I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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