Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
