this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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