is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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