well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
