I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
