I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
