The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i dont even know how to be here
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
