I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
