why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
