I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
