btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
