Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
