True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
