If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Sober January is a disaster.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
