he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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