Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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