i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
