Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
