Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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